Boundaries

I found this in a comment I read on another blog. It is from Amina's Mama. "Sometimes, when a child comes into the picture, you get a better idea of where you need to put boundaries up with people." Truer words were never spoken.

We have a very well behaved child. We like to think it's because we are mindful of his needs - we remember his nap times and his breakfast, lunch and dinner times. We are attentive to his wants and we set strict, easily understood boundaries. We give him choices and allow him to experience the consequences of his choices. We play with him on his terms. We play with him on our terms. We read to him. We include him as a full-fledged member of the team. We look for ways to reward him unexpectedly for just being a good boy versus rewarding specific behaviors. It's fun to surprise him this way and he just glows when we do.

So often we hear, "Tolido is such a good kid and a joy to be around." "Tolido is such a happy child!"

We expect our child to behave. We expect him to ask for the things he wants versus whining for them. We expect him to act like a human child and not a wild animal. He understands these expectations and lives up to them. It wasn't easy. It takes time. It takes consistency. It takes practice. It takes planning and forethought. It probably helps that I work from home and we have many opportunities to reinforce these expectations. It probably helps that we have only one child on whom to concentrate.

One thing we don't allow in the house is screaming. We have plenty of room outside for screaming. When Tolido wants to whine and scream he gets to go outside. He also gets to go outside to think if he decides he is uninterested in cooperating. Some apparently find this evil, isolating and sure to warp him in adulthood. They feel the need to placate him or give in to his demands instead. Fortunately, just about the time they can hardly contain their advice, Toldio knocks on the door, we open it to a now smiling kiddo give him a big hug and send him on his way. We all need to vent and to think things out sometimes. Tolido is no different. Instead of giving in to him, we offer him a choice. It goes like this, "Would you like to let Mommy wipe your hands or would you like to go outside and think about it?" We've been doing this for a while so he now usually presents his grubbies for a wipe. If not, he gets to go outside and think. He usually comes back in with paws held high looking for a wipe. ;)

It used to be maddening to me when people couldn't hold their tongues. Like most people, I'm not a fan of unsolicited advice. We've read lots of books and observed many parenting styles. Our method of raising our son is not arbitrary or inconsistent. It is tailored to fit the personality of our child and to fit our lifestyle. It works for us. We all understand it. And we've finally come up with a comical (to us) response to criticism: "Would you like to stop criticizing or would you like to go outside and think about it?" ;)